Week ? - Thoughts and plans

Recalibrating

My dad visited me recently. And honestly, having him here stirred so much in me that I have no idea how to put myself back together.

For most of my life, I believed I was raised in a world of only pain and survival. My mom's worldview shaped my own: that the world was a harsh place, that everyone was out there to harm you, and you had to sacrifice yourself just to earn safety or even love. Now, Dad's presence showed me a new kind of love and perspective on this world that I've never experienced before. 

I started meditating a lot about how and why I ended up here, as I still don't understand why it's still so hard for me to bring myself to do what has been my lifelong dream. I realized that I just don't know how to navigate this world outside, using my academic performance as a way of coping with trauma. 

For 3 weeks, while my dad was here, I felt like my little 8-year-old self again, that's how old I was when my dad left home. And this is how I looked:

Every time I see how little I was when all that happened, I can't believe how I survived such big pain. That little girl finally got the chance to be seen, heard, and most importantly, unconditionally loved, which has probably been one of her biggest wounds, which I always thought I'd have to carry for the rest of my life. Reconnecting with Dad gave me all the strength to keep going. It's been a long time since I've felt this big of a drive to keep pushing and challenging myself in this program, or at least that's how I felt until he left. 

I felt lost again, purposeless. Life gave me my dad back, but somehow I'm still feeling like the one that got away, like I was betraying that new kind of love that started growing once I decided to break the cycle of generational trauma and choose connection rather than resentment. This visit was all I wished for in an amazing way, and somehow, that wasn't enough to keep myself going. 

I have even been trying to finish this blog post for weeks now (since my dad left). I guess I went through a depressive episode. Too weak to even get out of bed, and too coward to even reach out for help. I just tried to find the explanation of why was I feeling that way.. I had everything I've ever dreamed of. Yes, I did have a hard upbringing, we can all agree on that. But I'm safe now, I survived. I live a comfortable life, why is it still hard for me to perform like a normal person?

I just couldn't understand why. Even now, being in a safe place and being a survivor, I still felt like if I was in a position of disadvantage compared to my peers, as I'm not able to perform as well as them. Talked about all this with my therapist and she told me about the ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) study, which I've never heard of before, but it really resonated with me. It showed me how deeply our early environments can shape not just who we become, but how we live and even how we die. I realized that the reason I ended up in this program, in this country, doing this research, was not only because I dreamed about it, but also because I needed to escape. I needed to run as far away as I could from what felt like a life of constant struggle, and I found something here that looked like freedom, or at least the promise of it. I’ve questioned if I should quit, return to Chile, and reclaim the relationship I lost with him. The thought of getting those years back, even if it’s just the final chapters of his life, felt like something I should want. But the truth is, I absolutely love the life I've built here. I love my independence, my home, my routines, the city, even the chaos of me trying to make this all work. I love connections, and this is the place where I feel like I've been creating and nourishing those the most. Staying means that I'll finally be able to break the pattern of precarity I’ve inherited. I don't want to make the same mistake again, of escaping instead of healing. 

The real problem is: how do I find the motivation to do this work when it feels so misaligned with who I am?  I care about people. About connection. About healing. So how do I continue doing research that feels disconnected from that, just so I can earn the right to maybe one day build a life that isn’t?

That’s the question I’m sitting with now. I’m not giving up. But I need to find a way to stay: emotionally and spiritually, not just physically. 

I think I've come up with a plan. If this is a feasible plan and (with your help, Toby) I start working now towards it, that should give me the discipline that I need to keep doing the research that I need to graduate. Did a bit of research (of course I need to do more) on what my most realistic shot for staying here after the program and do something fulfilling and aligned with my values, and it looks like the EB‑2 National Interest Waiver (NIW) route is the most feasible. The NIW allows self-petitioning (no employer needed!!!) and centers on showing that your work has national importance, especially in education, wellness, or mentorship, which is exactly what I would like to do. I realized that I really don't want to work with a company/institution, as the best way to have the job that I want is by creating it myself. I could achieve that by building programs, supporting others, public speaking, nurturing mental-spiritual wellness through teaching or mentoring (by creating a non-profit, maybe?), so I'll need to think about tanginle projects that have real-world impact and that and can be documented for my EB-2 NIW case. What really makes me think that this is a good idea is that I'm motivated to build impact more than awards or publications, so my credentials so far and most importantly, my story can help me draft a powerful narrative for my application. Still need to think really well about the problem I'd like to target, for example, my focus area could be “Mental Wellness and Resilience for International Graduate Students in the U.S.” or something along those lines. I definitely need more guidance on this.