Worrying is worshipping the problem

 I had a huge realization a few days ago that completely changed the way that I was approaching my reality.

These past weeks of silence on this blog came from the lies I was telling myself, that, for whatever reason, I was choosing to believe. I felt like a thief, and that feeling froze me, keeping me from making progress. Now, I think I understand why.

I need to be honest with myself and with you, and I need to acknowledge that, no, I was not giving my best. That's just what I would tell myself to make me feel better, and to maybe soothe the pain a little bit, of feeling worthless and undeserving of the position I currently have. You called me out on my BS. You always knew that I’m capable of way more than what I was claiming was my best, but I refused to believe it because some part of me still wants to be a victim. It’s so much easier to be a victim than to be responsible enough to take action and do what needs to be done.

And I hope this doesn’t feel like trauma dumping, but I need to give some more context to this to be able to fully express myself.

Next Wednesday will be one year since I went no contact with my mom, and I don’t think the pain of realizing that she gave up on me has gotten any better. Reconnecting with pops and getting another version of the story actually made me resent her even more, and the person who was always the hero of my story suddenly became the villain.

Her story, and how she always claimed that she was able to overcome this horrible world we live in, full of systems that oppressed her, was always so moving that it made me feel like I wouldn’t have made anything in this life if it wasn’t for her. She taught me this view of seeing the world, and I learned to be a victim of it from her.

The pain that I feel comes from realizing that my whole life, she just lied to me and created this narrative where she was just a victim. Therefore, she avoided all responsibility for the mistakes she made while trying to build her daughter into someone that could be ready for the world she was going to face.

She was a victim of this world just because she chose to be one, and she taught me to be one too. I feel like I’ve been unconsciously mirroring her way of navigating this world as a way of keeping her alive in my heart. I think about her every day, and I blame her so much for not doing a 'good job'.

I blame her for each and every one of my flaws, for shaping me into someone that is absolutely not ready for this world, and the worst part of it is that she convinced me I was. She made me believe that she succeeded in her job of being my mom, and that I owed everything to her. I became her. I became her victim. And that’s not who I want to be.

I felt like a thief because I felt like I was stealing from the world around me, and playing the victim to get away with it. I felt like I was stealing from the University by getting paid for “not doing anything.” I felt like I was stealing from you by abusing your trust and trying to convince you that I was trying my best, and playing the victim to justify my actions. None of this was conscious though, but I’m just glad that I finally got the awareness of it to be able to stop the behavior.

If my mom taught me something good, it’s that I can’t give up. And I’m not going to. I refuse to keep listening to the echoes of my trauma, and I’ll embrace who I am, with all the values that I know I want to live by. Honesty is one of them, and that’s why I always try to be completely raw and honest with you.

Something has been stopping me these past weeks from performing the way that I was promising I would (pain, resentment, trauma), but I refuse to keep believing the lies I tell myself about me anymore. I’m going to be the person that I’ve always truly been, a truth seeker. And I won’t let anything stop me from achieving my goals.

I’ll stop worrying and I’ll start surrendering to the higher power, because worrying just brings me into this cycle of fear that doesn’t lead to anything good. Instead, I’ll trust myself and in God’s plan, that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be, and I wouldn’t have been given this challenge if I weren’t able to overcome it. 

I’ve been waking up at 5:30 am the past few days. I’ve been having really productive mornings, and my mood has been better. I now feel unstoppable. I worked on this yesterday, and I feel very proud of myself for it: